Comfort

I'm on a sick leave from work due to my emergency c-section and tenatively not scheduled to go back to work until the last week of September. I'm torn between getting sick of being at home, venturing out for little jaunts but find myself sore in the evening so, why bother? And just wanting to get the heck out of dodge...parts of me want to runaway to a distant location and not come back. To not have to worry about all of the sad looks that people will give and the questions I know they want to ask but feel awkward from the people who knew the pregnant me. My home is my refuge with the only source of attacks of "what could have been" is the television.

My heart used to be so happy, but now it just beats its way through each day...When I was pregnant I would go to bed every night thinking of the day that I would meet my baby, the cute outfit that she would wear home from the hospital, and the kisses that I would give her everyday. Now I close my eyes just knowing that I completed one more day that puts me closer to being back with my daughter.

I know that I still have what most people would call a "good life"...and I thank God everyday for the things that he continues to do in my life, and I'm searching for the meaning of this loss in my life. This just hurts so badly.