Sunday, January 16, 2011

Knowing and letting go

I've often wondered how I would've done August 2, 2008 differently if I had known that I would lose Lily the very next day. I've thought about it a lot. So, I tried to take that into consideration when I was spending my last day with Delilah. It's a far leap to go from your cat's death to your daughter's death but I learned the hard way that death is irreversible...really, I had never put much thought into death before it impacted my life in the most horrible, tragic way.

On Friday, I spent several minutes at a time just petting her and talking to her. I told her I loved her and how much she was going to be missed. Delilah had to have known that something was up because she had moved down the totem pole since Cooper was born which is something that I'm trying not feel guilty about...Anyway, I started thinking this morning about stuff that I wish I would've done with her before our appointment at the vet yesterday. I wish I had let her lay on the grass in our tiny backyard because she had never really been outside before...

Knowing that death is imminent still doesn't leave you with a sense of fulfillment. There is no way of expressing every emotion or completing every act of love. My final act of love for her was giving her a graceful death.

As a parent, I feel my number 1 job is to teach my children to love God with all their heart, mind and soul. Our final act of love as parents to Lily was to tell her to go to Jesus and that we loved her and that we would see her again because of Jesus's promise to us. So many things to say but there would've never been enough time to tell her or ever be okay with having to let go.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't change anything of August 2, 2008. We lived that day with hearts full of love for her and we continue to live our lives the same way...and, I like coming to this point in this journey.

5 comments:

Susan said...

I have a few tears after reading this. It's sometimes amazing how difficult the death of a pet can be, especially after all we have been through in 'comparison'. And it's amazing how even the death of said pets can make us contemplate everything even more than we do. We lost one of our dogs very unexpectedly 6 weeks before we lost Gracie. Before we even left the hospital, I was able to make the connection between the two...I simply said to Jeff "Bailey knew...and she went to check things out on the other side and wait for Gracie."

I am glad I didn't know on 7.30.09 what 7.31.09 was going to bring. Sure, if I had known, I could have spend the day doing a professional belly shoot and making a belly cast and *really* connecting with Gracie and paying attention to her *every* movement...but in all reality, I would have just been sad. There was and is enough sadness over her departure, so I am glad that I didn't spend the last day that way.

Sarita Boyette said...

I wish I could have changed the way I did things on Oct. 6, 1974.I lay awake most of the previous night unable to sleep. I finally drifted off around 3:30 in the early hours of Oct. 6. If I had known Meredith was in trouble I would have walked to the nursery and held her as she died. But I didn't know and I stuggled with this for many years. If I had accepted it a long time ago, I would have been better off. Thank you for sharing about Lily and Delilah and your & their journeys. BTW, I loved Delilah's St. Patrick's outfit. xoxo

AKD said...

I've thought about this often, too - I would have maybe taken more time to just feel Maddie kicking, enjoying what we had. I don't know - I did that so much, anyway. I know what you mean, and I hurt for you.

brigette said...

You are so right... we wish we could have changed and wonder if we would have been able to but in the long run.. its all up to God. Its hard but if you can realize it you are an amazing strong person!! What a great thing to leave her with the love to know to go to God and that you would see her again. Such a precious thing!

*Bobbys Mummy* said...

Its so hard, I think we all have things which we wish we had done differently but at the end of the day sadly we can not go back and change any of it. I like to 'try' to keep in mind that with every loss we live through we grow as a person from that loss. They teach us something new about ourselves and they open our eyes to the reality of what is around us; we are the people we are today because of those we have lost. Hugs