Lily's mommy forever

To my loves~

2012-01-02T16:46:00.001-05:00

I found this Willowtree figurine at Cracker Barrel the other day and thought it would be perfect for Lily and Delilah! My loves waiting for me...

She's not forgotten after all~

2011-12-27T13:18:00.004-05:00

I was delighted by a few gifts this year that were specifically given in honor of Lily! My hubby gave me the first one (not that he'd ever forget her!) which is this beautiful Willowtree figurine. I had shown it to him while shopping for Christmas cards at Hall.mark and he didn't pay me much attention or so I thought. This figurine really stood out to me because of the lillies that she's holding close to her. Also, Lily would've turned 3 at the beginning of this month so she would be a little girl now and not so much a baby anymore...

I was SUPER shocked to receive 2 butterfly charms for my Pandora bracelet from my in-laws. Yes, the in-laws that normally act as if Lily never existed. And, they did it because of Lily. Christmas miracle, I guess!

My sister gave me a card telling me that 10 trees were going to be planted in Lily's honor at Seminole State Park! Oh, I cried. I'm supposed to get a certificate so hopefully we'll be able to visit the trees soon!

All of these gifts for Lily didn't make me sad because I knew that she was attending the grandest of birthday parties with Jesus! Can you imagine? I hope Christmas was gentle on you, dear friends, as well ((hugs)).

Christmas

2011-12-23T19:47:00.002-05:00

I took my rainbow baby (gosh, I guess, he's not so much a baby anymore being that he's 2 but he'll always be a baby to me, lol) to have Christmas pics taken last Saturday at Se.ars. Oh, the experience was horrible. Not with Se.ars but my 2 year old wanted NOTHING to do with having his picture taken. They were so bad (and, he's very photogenic! Really, I'm not being one of those moms!) that I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. I had a hard time using my coupon they were so bad! I ended up buying one of their Christmas collages with Santa on it and used the best pic and the worst pic of the bunch for a naughty and nice theme.

I took Lilybear with us and even changed out her normal pink ribbon for some Christmas ribbon to match Cooper's suit. For new readers, Lilybear is the bear that we got from the hospital when Lily died. She's in every family photo :)

My hubby had a hard moment when we first got there because there are all these pics on the wall of siblings together. His eyes filled with tears and said that he wished Lily was there to take pics, too. This is our third Christmas without her and even though it's gotten easier, there are still those moments that your heart just aches...

My heart is haunted...

2011-12-20T06:45:00.002-05:00

I've gone to bed and have woken up for the last few weeks with the memories of meeting Lily for the first time. I could talk about how beautiful she is and how much a mother's love is forever but my thoughts lately have been about feeling guilty. I feel so horrible and guilty that I only spent about 30 minutes with her. Those 30 minutes were basically spent holding her, sobbing and apologizing over and over to her for failing her. I didn't know what to do. I just sent her back to stay in that refrigerator...

I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.

I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?

Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...

Winner!

2011-12-08T08:02:00.003-05:00

Thank you to all that entered the giveaway! I plan on stopping by each and every one of your blogs to get to know you and your precious babies very soon!

So, onto the winner! I used a random number generator (random.org) to pick the winner, even took a pic :)

And, comment number 24 is Bree, The Traveling Teacher! Please, send me your contact info to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com and I will get this lovely picture to you pronto!

25 days of giveaways!

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited to be participating in the 25 days of Giveaways presented by Tina! I'm sorry that you're coming to participate because it most likely means that you're a babyloss mom. Let me say that I am so sorry for your loss (or losses) and send you huge ((hugs))!

For new visitors, my name is Jen and I am the proud mommy to Lily, who was born stillborn at 23 weeks due to a placenta abruption. We had tried for 18 months and endured 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her so our lives just crumbled when we lost her. We got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Cooper, about 9 months after losing Lily. Cooper was born at 31 weeks due to complications from placenta increta. He has done so much to bring joy back into our hearts and our home again. We miss Lily every day. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't say her name or think about how life should be...

So, I saw this butterfly wall decor while shopping and knew that it would be prefect for this giveaway. I'm going to make this so simple and all you have to do is leave a comment with your baby(ies) name(s) and leave your blog address because I would love to come visit! I will pick a winner using a random number generator. OH, and you must be a babyloss parent to participate! Thanks!

2011-12-04T19:50:00.002-05:00

Yesterday marked 3 years of what should've been Lily's due date and although the day no longer overwhelmes me with sadness, I do still have those moment of futile what-if's. What if we had gone to a better hospital? What if I had picked a better ob-gyn? What if they had caught the abruption in time? Oh, how these questions still plague my mind and I guess they always will...

My hubby and I had our 4th date night in 25 months last night (I purposely did it on December 3rd knowing that it would be nice to give my mind something else to look forward to) and it was a really nice night. We had a couple glasses of wine and made a toast to our sweet girl every few minutes. We just toasted to her how much we loved her and missed her...

Thank you to those that lefts words of support on my last post. Mostly, thank you for not trying to force me off the bitter train and allowing me to feel anger. Sometimes, just listening and not trying to fix something is the best that others can do so I appreciate it! xoxo

2011-12-02T12:41:00.002-05:00

I'm going through a rough patch right now, emotionally. I don't think it really has to do with the holiday season, either. It has to do with the fact that I'm feeling surronded by...freaking pregnant people. Seriously, at least once a week for the last month and a half there has been a new pregnancy announcement within my group of mommy friends. I mean it makes sense, our kids are almost 2 so I guess getting knocked up again is what normal people do, right?

I mean, I'm just so pissed at the universe that I can't give Cooper a sibling. I know some people chose to just have one kid but I've always wanted 2 and not in the way that I have 2 kids. I'm just so pissed that I don't have a choice in the matter. So, now I get to listen to others bitch about morning sickness or how they want to deliver at 37 weeks. Get the hell over yourself because you sign up for 40 weeks!

I'm in a really pissed off and bitter mood. My SIL was telling me about a 19 year old that she works with that is on her 3rd kid. WHY HER? Why did my body do this to me? Why? Why? Why?

NO one would ever tell normal people to just be happy to have one kid and stop but everyone thinks I should just be happy for the one that I have...I'm just pissed. Let me be pissed.

25 days of giveaways!

2011-12-01T12:52:00.002-05:00

This year I am participating in the 25 days of Giveaways! I will be hosting a giveaway on December 7th so don't forget to stop by! You can learn more by clicking on the button below!

Happy December!

Day 30

2011-11-30T13:14:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be honest and say that I totally didn't think that I would do all 30 days! I thought for sure that I would slack off around day 16 figuring it would be just like a diet where I do great for about 2 weeks ;) There were some posts that I did combine a couple of days BUT here we are, the last day of November!

I'm going to just wrap the month up with saying that I am thankful for every day that I wake up! Life is so short. One day, we are the present but one day, we will be the past. Gosh, it is so weird to think that one day, I will be gone. I am so glad that Cooper is here so that some piece of me will continue on and I pray that I have a lot of grandkids who then have a lot of kids...yeah, you get where I'm going with this. None of us want to be forgotten when we're gone. So for now, for today, I am just so happy to be here. I'm blessed to be able to talk, walk, love, hug, sing, dance and all of those other wonderful things that make life fun :)

I hope I didn't bore all of you with my list and thank you for reading! XOXO!

Day 29

2011-11-29T19:10:00.003-05:00

Today, I am thankful for the blessing of being a mother. I always say that Lily made me a mother but Cooper made me a mommy. A mother is carrying a child inside of you, loving this child and willing to die for that child. A mommy is being in the trenches, changing diapers, wiping up snot, doing anything and everything day in and day out. I'd die for Cooper in a heartbeat, too (hence, not terminating him at 17 weeks like the docs recommended). I LOVE knowing that there are 2 humans that were given life because of me and my husband loving each other.

I wouldn't trade this blessing for anything in the entire world!

Day 28

2011-11-28T13:20:00.002-05:00

Today, I want to specifically tell the babyloss community how very thankful that I am for each and every one of you. I joined this (suck ass) club on 8/3/08 knowing that my heart was forever changed. The stopping of her heartbeat had forever changed the beating of mine. I didn't see the world the same and although, I am happier these days, my heart will never totally heal. The very first babyloss blog that I read was Beth's blog for her daughter, Ada, and from there I found one babyloss blog after another. I wasn't alone. I found other women who grieved for their babies, the babies that we never got to hear cry or see their eyes. The other women that were treated (by the world) as if they should "let go" because, of course, "you can just have another one!" and we huddled around each other to give a virtual bird finger to whatever dumb-a*s hurt one in our community.

I found a sisterhood of grieving mommies that gave love and advice during dark times and celebrated with me during the good times. Thank you and I love you...really, I love you...

Day 27

2011-11-27T19:12:00.003-05:00

Today, I am thankful for my memories, those snapshots of time that are (for now) securely kept in my brain. I've worked in nursing homes for years (my pre-Cooper life) and I've seen the heartbreaking effects of Dementia and Alzheimer's and I truly believe that a life without your memories is a fate worse than death. And, I'm not being dramatic with that statement...

I have the memories of my first date with my hubby, our wedding, and meeting both of my babies for the first time as being my most favorite memories...

Day 25-26

2011-11-26T15:39:00.004-05:00

Day 25- I'm thankful for the book Someone Came Before You which I bought off Ama.zon the other day to give to Cooper for Christmas. It talks about the baby before him that never got a chance to come home. He's still to young to understand that he has a big sister and that he's really not an only child. I included a picture of the cover because it's heartbreakingly sweet...

Day 26- On a silly note, today I am thankful for my sleep number bed. I had some muscle aches the last two days from the flu.mist vaccine then I fell on the pavement today while shopping so I'm so sore! I think I'll be putting my side's settings down for some extra softness, lol...

I swear I'll have some deeper thoughts on thankfulness as this 30 days starts to wind down!

Day 24

2011-11-24T08:42:00.002-05:00

Today, I am thankful for my sweet neice, Abbi, who turns 7 today! She is always good for laughs and is such a special little girl! I love you!

AND, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you're surrounded today by loved ones and stuff yourselves full of turkey and happy memories :)

Day 23

2011-11-23T12:33:00.002-05:00

I'm cleaning my house in preparation for hosting the big Thanksgiving meal tomorrow so today I am thankful for my overpriced townhouse. It's 3000 square feet keep me busy with constant dusting and it's floor plan makes it impossible to buy baby gates to contain my over curious toddler is ludicrous but there's no place like home!

My hubby actually purchased our townhome about a year before we met. It was decorated sparsely like any good bachelor would do so it was a blank canvas for all my decorating dreams. This home is where we had our first kiss, we've celebrated and mourned within these walls, we've hosted our last Friday parties and have spent countless nights just being lazy.

I love this house but it's not our forever home. So, for now, I'm thankful for all the safety and security that it provides us everyday...

Day 22

2011-11-22T18:19:00.002-05:00

I'm in no way endorsing the current state of our schools but I am saying that I'm ready for it to be back in session next week. I'm thankful that Monday through Fridays I am able to enjoy being out in public without it taking twice the time that it normally would because school age children are running amuck. Go back to school...thanks ;)

Day 19-21

2011-11-21T08:57:00.003-05:00

I obviously suck at doing my thankful posts on the weekends, lol...

Day 19- I am thankful to be a citizen of the United States of America! When I was pregnant with both of my babies, I would talk to them and tell them that I may not be able to give them every last thing they'll want but I can give them the blessing of being born in the greatest country on the planet. I can be totally pissed at Congress but I would never live in another country. I will visit other countries and buy souvenirs but that's it!

Day 20- I am thankful for my family. I'm thankful that when we need each other emotionally that everyone steps up. Yes, we have disagreements like all families but I know that in the end that they're always there for me...

Day 21- I am thankful for good and reliable transportation. My car battery died twice this weekend and thankfully my hubby was there to jump my car off both times. He went and bought a new battery last night and I was so happy that it started up with no problems this morning! I feel badly for the people that have to take the bus in inhospitable weather and I really never want to be one of them. Again, I am spoiled, and I readily admit it. I remember taking public transportation a lot when I was a kid and don't want to do it now unless, of course, in an emergency...but, thank God that public transportation is there for those that need it!

Day #18

2011-11-18T21:00:00.003-05:00

Today, I am thankful for being able to pick-up toys around the house. This sounds silly but I got a warm feeling in my heart tonight as I picked up Cooper's mega blocks that were all over the living room. These toys and the little boy that plays with them make this house a home...

Day 17

2011-11-17T14:19:00.002-05:00

I guess today's post is going to be a combination of a thankful post and talking about World Prematurity Awarness Day so bear with me...

I started working with the March of Dimes the Spring after Lily died. I was heartbroken and needed to do something in her memory so we did the March for Babies walk and raised $1700. The cool thing was that I had found out that I was pregnant with our rainbow baby just days before the walk. My head and heart were so clouded with still having so much grief for Lily but have shards of hope push through with the thought of having a new baby growing inside of me. Our rainbow baby, Cooper, was born that November and he accompanied us to the walk in 2010. I make it sound so simple but in actuality, my pregnancy with him was life-threatening for both of us. His birth wasn't the happy experience that I always dreamt it would be. He was born at 31 weeks and I didn't even get to see him for 12 hours and didn't get to hold him for 2 days. He spent almost 6 weeks in the nicu and came home on a dreary December day. Actually, it could've been snowing outside but all I saw was my precious and perfect little one, nothing else mattered. Lily never came home in the way we wanted but her little brother did. He doesn't erase her absence but his presence has lifted a lot of the heartache. We've now worked with the MOD for 3 years and have raised more than $6,000.00 and will work with them every year until I am unable to walk anymore myself. Heck, I may still do it but rent a motorized wheelchair!

I talk about both of my babies today. The little baby girl that left us at 23 weeks which has left my heart forever changed and the little baby boy that came into this world with a vigorous cry at 31 weeks.

13 million babies will be born prematurely this year. 1 million of those babies will never come home. 1 in 8 babies will be born prematurely in the United States. We're one of the most developed countries in the world but still 1 in 8 babies will be born too soon.

Today, I am thankful for every single person that helped my son in the nicu. The nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, and those sweet chaplain ladies that helped us bring our sweet boy home. That sweet boy has brought me out of the depths of despair and into the world of the living and happy again.

Days 14-16

2011-11-16T14:33:00.004-05:00

Day 14- I am thankful for my little luxuries in life! My star.buck's runs are my favorite treats! Oh, how I love the gingerbread lattes :)

Day 15- I am thankful for mom's nights out, like Monday night's impromptu wine night with a few mommy friends. I only got 6 hours of sleep and had a slight hangover which wasn't cool with chasing around my 2 year old the next day but whatever!

Day 16- Today, I am thankful for electricity, seriously. Last night, our power went out around midnight and about 3 hours later all 6 of our fire alarms were saying "low battery" so my hubby goes down stairs to start changing batteries and sets off the house alarm which surprisingly didn't wake up Cooper. The power came on while my hubby was changing fire alarms and I was so happy because the air conditioning started working again. Yes, I'm a spoiled American...

Day 13

2011-11-13T19:28:00.002-05:00

Today, I'm thankful for day's like today. A day where there is nothing planned and we just went through our day without a care in the world. I got to sleep in, we had lunch out, we went shopping and then we had a simple dinner at home.

I'm so happy for my life with my boys. I don't care what we're doing just so long that we're together...

Day #12

2011-11-12T14:34:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be completely honest and I say that I was always wary of other women until I became a mom. Before becoming a mom, I was still shallow enough to care about being prettier, having a cuter outfit, or have your choice of any other catty/immature behavior. Hey, I'm being truthful...

These days, between running to one therapy session to the next or some other duty to a special needs child, I'm just happy to brush my teeth everyday. BUT, some of my closest girlfriends now are other moms. We don't go shopping at the Gap together but instead meet at the park with our star.bucks and talk about life. I've met some wonderful women through my mom's club and through MOPs. Oh, how some of my insecurities about motherhood were lessened when I started hanging out with other moms! I stopped crying in his nursery at 3 am and instead confessed my recent bad mommy moment to my other mommy friends and hearing "yeah, I've done that before, too!" goes a long way to alleviating guilt. And, there is no greater guilt than mommy guilt...

So, thank you to all my mommy friends!

Day #11

2011-11-11T08:23:00.002-05:00

Today, I'm thankful for my son's therapists! Cooper has been in physical therapy since he was 6 months old and it was originally thought that he had torticollis. His physical therapist told me thtat she thought Cooper had hypotonia at the end of his second appointment. I'm so grateful for the early diagnosis because he has received such awesome treatment. This diagnosis led to things like feeding therapy with speech therapy and he's on his second stint with occupational therapy. God has given us just wonderful and caring therapists!

Day #10

2011-11-10T09:14:00.002-05:00

Today, I am thankful for my blogs, especially Lily's blog, because I've been blessed to become friends with some awesome human beings! Most of the friends that I have made along this journey are fellow babyloss mommas but some are just people that happened upon my blog and for some reason they don't think I'm crazy and keep on reading, lol...

I have a group of blm friends that have been there since virtually day one of this crappy journey. I found a group of women that knew exactly what I was feeling and knowing that I wasn't alone was so freeing. I hate that other women know this pain but I didn't feel so alone in my isolation anymore.

I have one (known) male reader and I just love that he reads my blog posts and gives such awesome and caring advice. He doesn't make me feel like some crazy hormonal mom that needs to let things go. I won't point you out but you know who you are and THANK YOU.

I've had a few opportunities recently to meet some of my blm friends! Here are some pics :)

Me and Beth, Ada's mommy (she has 2 rainbow babies now!). Beth was my first blm friend and the first follower on my blog!

Me and Cass, Nathan's mommy.

Me and Susan, Gracie's mommy. I don't do this very often but the little boy in the pic is my rainbow baby :)

Day #9

2011-11-09T13:13:00.002-05:00

Today, I want to give a big thanks to our military and their families! I so admire all the men and women that enlist to protect our country and wish that I had the guts to do the same. I'm willing to admit that I couldn't/wouldn't enlist when I was younger because I knew I would be homesick and now I couldn't/wouldn't enlist because I can't imagine leaving my husband and child. There are men and women everyday that are willing to sacrifice it all, including their lives to keep our country safe. The wives and husbands that are left at home to care for their families while their spouses are deployed are also heroes in my book!

So, THANK YOU from this coward to all the brave men and women (and, their families) in our military!

Day #8

2011-11-08T06:44:00.002-05:00

Today, I'm thankful for good health insurance because it has been such a blessing to us since becoming pregnant and since becoming parents to a preemie (31 weeker) with special needs.

We have Unit.ed Health.care's health saving's account which means that money is taken from my hubby's check every 2 weeks and is deposited into a health care account. It's tax-free money, too! The catch is that it has a pretty sizeable deductible, it's $2300 per person or $4500 for the family. Sadly, we've had no problems meeting our deductible since we started using it in 2008.

2008- My hospitalization with Lily was $55,000

2009- My pregnancy with Cooper was high-risk so I went to the doctor every 2 weeks and went to the peri on the opposing weeks. Then, my hospital bedrest and Cooper's nicu charges came out to $368,000!

2010- Cooper was a 31 weeker so he qualified for the Synagis shot (it's supposed to protect preemies from RSV) and it was $1200 a pop so our deductible was met by February!

2011- Cooper's PT costs $330 PER HOUR! So, our deductible was met by April...

I'm not ignorant to the fact that not every American in this country has the ability to pay for such great insurance and this is why I'm so grateful!

Day #7

2011-11-07T07:09:00.003-05:00

Today, I want to talk about my sister, Aimee, who is one of the most kind people on the entire planet. I'm going to be frank with all of you and tell you that I'm not very close to the rest of my family but I couldn't live without my sister.

My sister and I are only 18 months apart in age so most people thought we were twins while we were growing up. Funny, she has blonde hair and blue eyes while I have reddish brown hair and hazel eyes, but whatever! When we were growing up everyone would say that she's the nicer of us but I think she's getting a bit mouthier as she ages, lol...(I love you!)

Aimee has 3 beautiful and wonderful girls and she is an awesome mommy! She's a great sister and we talk on the phone at least 3 times a day. She's a great aunt and I think she loves Cooper almost as much as I do! She's just a wonderful human being and I'm so proud to know her and love her...

Day #6

2011-11-06T07:29:00.003-05:00

This one again is related to my awesome hubby but today I'm thankful for being a stay-at-home mom. We decided I would stay home with the kids before we were even married because this was important to both of us. Some call this arrangement (being a SAHM) as a luxury but no, it's a sacrifice and I'll explain...

It is a luxury in the fact that I won't/don't miss any of my son's new milestones but it's a huge sacrifice in the budget department. We watch every penny now whereas when I was working, we spent money like it was going out of style. My hubby works very hard everyday to bring home a paycheck and then works very hard to keep us on a budget.

Sometimes, I miss working, not because I don't enjoy being with my son but I miss having adults around and I miss having lunch breaks, lol...

One day, I'll go back to work (part-time) but for now, I'm just enjoying being a mommy. I didn't go through a high-risk pregnancy (and, lose my uterus) to only see him for a few hours a night and weekends. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm looking down on working parents BECAUSE I'M NOT. I have nothing but the upmost respect for any good parent whether that means you're working or staying at home.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't/couldn't dream about putting him in daycare with his special needs. I would be a neurotic mess wondering what they were doing for his exercises and if they were not meeting all of his needs in his way because he's not like all the other kids. I don't know if they have daycares like that...I've never looked to be honest.

So, in essence I've traded in adult and stimulating conversations for convos about Mickey Mouse. I've traded in stressful reports and projects for building block towers and playing with cars. I wouldn't have it any other way...

Day #5

2011-11-05T19:00:00.002-04:00

Well, let's get the "I'm thankful for my health" post out of the way. We should all be thankful if we're healthy but let me put it out to the world that I don't take it for granted. The only times I've not been completely healthy is when I was pregnant other than that, I'm good to go, thank God! I need to lose weight but I'm working on that...

I was reminded last week while my son was in the hospital about how precious your health really is. My heart clinched each time that I saw a child with no hair so it was obvious that they had cancer. I'm even more grateful for my child's health because I can't imagine how those families must feel to see their little ones go through something that could take their child from them. Oh, it brings tears to my eyes to even think of it.

Day #4

2011-11-04T07:23:00.005-04:00

Please, don't read this post if you're not ready to read about rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy loss). We're all at different stages of grieving and I recognize and am sensitive to that fact. Proceed with caution if this is a touchy subject for you...

I can't really and fully put into words how thankful that I am for Cooper, for everything about Cooper. Cooper just turned 2 on Tuesday and is absolutely the joy of our lives. We've had some challenges presented our way since Cooper came into our world, including my pregnancy with him, but quite honestly, I would live every challenge a 1oo times again just to have him in our world. Cooper has hypotonia (low muscle tone) and was recently diagnosed with Dysarthria (which I'm not completely sold on but that's a different story). In essence, at 2, he is unable to walk yet and doesn't really talk well, either. He was born at 31 weeks and has always been a fighter. I don't know why God has chosen him to go through so much but God has also given Cooper a will like no other human that I've ever seen. He's a fighter. He started therapy at 6 months when he couldn't even pull his head up off the floor during tummy time to now he's doing everything but walking. It's been a long journey and he's worked so hard. He's endured physical therapy for 18 months of his life, he's worn braces that have gone up to his knees, he's been in OT twice, he's endured an MRI and CT scan, countless genetics tests, has a new SPIO (special stablilizing vest for his trunk), and the list goes on and on...and, he has a smile on his face about 98% of the time (hey, he's a 2 year old boy not a saint! lol).

Cooper makes the saying "turn your lemons into lemonade" a truth everyday. He's sweet, funny, adventurous, curious, and loving. He's my joy.

Day #3 of thankfulness

2011-11-03T14:49:00.002-04:00

I love both of my babies but I'm going to talk about Lily today. Oh, precious Lily, so fought for and so longed for everyday. It took me almost 18 months and 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her. Her life taught me patience. Each month during that 18 month period had tears of frustration if I'm going to be completely honest (okay, well, I was OKAY the first 6 months of trying...) but I always had hope that "next" month would be "the" month and that kept me going. Her death gave me a sense of mortality and to not take a single thing for granted. Seriously, I had never lost anyone close to me until she died. Yeah, I lost a grandfather when I was like 7 but I didn't even know him. Some would say that I didn't know Lily either but those that think that are 1. not mothers or 2. idiots. How can you not know someone that lives inside your body?

Her short life taught me so much and I try to remember how fragile life is everyday. One day your life can feel *perfect* and the next, it can feel as if it's slipping away.

30 days of thankfulness

2011-11-02T13:02:00.002-04:00

I thought about doing this blog project on Cooper's blog but then decided I'd rather do it on Lily's because I want to show others that you can still see the good and have hope after a loss. I'm a day behind so I'm going to do two things that I'm thankful for in this post.

1. Sometimes I'm more faithful and obedient than other times but I'm most thankful for my relationship with God. I've never kept it a secret from anyone that I believe in a higher power and I'm aware that all the good things AND bad things that happen are from Him. Sometimes, it's the bad things that make you want to turn away and even when you do for a period, He's always there to take you back with open arms. I've never once felt alone in the last 5 years (this November will mark 5 years since we started trying to have a family.) and it's not because of my family and friends. He was there when I was curled in a fetal ball in the shower wishing that I had died with Lily. He was the reason that I uncurled from that ball and continued on with hope.

2. My hubby makes #2 on the list! He's hot. He makes me laugh. He thinks I'm pretty after 2 babies and still not being at my pre-pregnancy weight even though my youngest baby is 2. He knows what I want to eat at every restaurant and will watch episode after episode of any girlie show just because he wants to be around me. He's passionate and vocal about what he believes in. He's marvelous, really...I don't know what I'd do without him :)

On second thought

2011-10-14T13:26:00.002-04:00

I received a call today from the hospital where I delivered the memory boxes and they've given away 2 of the boxes already. Oh, how my heart breaks for these two families. They're close in my heart and lifted up in prayer for peace and comfort...

Which leads me to making my blog as public again. I'm going to remove the post with Lily's pics because they're sacred to me but I want this blog to serve it's original purpose again of being an outlet to newly grieving babyloss parents. I want them to know that they're not alone and that there is a community with open arms that's ready to embrace them and give them love and support.

So, I guess that means I won't be using (much) profanity again, lol...

Love,
Lily's mommy

Gnawing

2011-10-10T13:10:00.000-04:00

Grief is a gnawing feeling that never really goes away and there are some days where it just smacks you right in the face. That day was Saturday.

There were two other families at my hubby's work that were expecting babies in December 2008 when I was pregnant with Lily. We were all like a week apart in our due dates but they got to bring home their babies whereas mine died. I know this shouldn't matter but both of these other ladies already had kids at home and Lily was my first so Christmas 2008 sucked ass. Maybe that's not sound logic but their houses were already brimming with kids and ours was ridiculously and unnervingly quiet that Christmas. The echos of the what-could-have-beens where bouncing off the walls.

My hubby's work had a function on Saturday and both of those other ladies with their almost 3 year olds were there. Seriously, at one point, I wanted to throw up. Their lives should be my life. I should be chasing a three year old around, too, damn it. And, I know it's not a big deal but one of the ladies referred to her daughter as a drama queen and that pissed me off. What I wouldn't do to deal with Lily's drama everyday.

I don't know. I'm pissed.

Private

2011-08-31T15:26:00.003-04:00

I think about how open I have allowed my life to become with this blog and how violated I feel everytime I receive a random comment or spam message through my email. I don't like it, it makes me feel weird.

I've decided to make Lily's blog private. I know I'm going to lose readers which makes me sad but I think making my blog private will actually allow me to share more. I worry about people in real life reading this blog and sometimes hold back. This will give me the opportunity to be 100% honest. There is more to me than what I've share so far, hard to believe, huh?

I'm going to leave things public for a few days but if you would like to continue following then please send me an email to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

xoxo,
Jen, Lily's mommy

One more thanks!

2011-08-16T18:01:00.002-04:00

Last but certainly not least, is a pic from Trennia! Sister, I'm sorry that I didn't include this in the first post but it was in my other email and I have to write posts so quickly these days (due to a very mobile Cooper!) that it somehow didn't make the first post...

Thanks so much! xoxo!

Birthday thanks!

2011-08-16T11:34:00.004-04:00

I've been so blessed to "meet" some remarkable women since losing Lily and have considered these friends to be my silver lining in my post-Lily life. Yes, people that you've never met in real-life can be "friends" and actually, I go to some of these women with issues before I go to friends that I have in real-life.

Some of these friends took time to remember Lily on her birthday in the way of pics with her name or lighting a candle. My heart became so happy with each new pic. Thank you for remembering her with me.

Hollie (Cameron's mommy)

Christy (Leila's mommy)

Bree (Ella's mommy)

Holly (Jordan and Carleigh's mommy)

Nichole (Lily's mommy)

Maggie (Alexandra's mommy)

Emalee (Kenner's mommy)

Prayers

2011-08-10T13:28:00.003-04:00

I made a friend with a December 2009 momma when she lost her second baby, Lainey, at 23 weeks last October. We hooked up on face.book and we actually only live about 40 minutes from each other. She got pregnant with her rainbow baby earlier this year and was due in October. She found out yesterday, at 31 weeks, that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Two babies in Heaven. I haven't been able to stop thinking of her. She went to the hospital to be induced to meet her precious baby that's been nicknamed squishy baby because she doesn't know the sex yet. She wanted to save that surprise for their birthday and I'm sure this wasn't the birthday that she wanted for this precious baby...

Can you please lift her and her family up in prayer today and for the days to come...No mother should lose one baby and losing 2 just beyond tragic.

Words from a BLD

2011-08-08T07:11:00.002-04:00

My hubby wrote this poem for Lily's 3rd birthday. He's such a strong man but I know that he carries a lot of hurt still. When I asked him if I could share this poem on my blog he said "it's probably too depressing for people". My response "your baby dying is depressing and everyone in the babyloss world understands...."

My pain

Three years have past since I touched your skin
In my heart it feels like a day
A different man now lives in this body of mine
A broken creature who holds the same name

For me there is no bright side to see
No silver lining within this dark cloud
Some look skyward and force smiles from pain
But my soul shrieks screams that are loud

I have tried to find some peace since you left
I have tried thinking of the grander plan
But none of those thoughts have a chance to replace
Dreams of my smiling girl holding my hand

Eternity in heaven will be great someday
Being with you should put pain in the past
That future should make me forget these years that we lost
But my focus on the present continues to last

I can’t not let go of the anger I face
Each morning as I welcome the day
I’ve been robbed of the very most precious of gifts
And I can’t wipe my need for vengeance away

I am sorry that I can’t heal the way I should
I want you here so much it hurts
But no matter how nicely I spin this disaster
My upward looking turns downward to the dirt

After all this time my wound is fresh as new
My life that remains is often hard to manage
Some would think that a wall wouldn’t miss one small brick

But when mine fell I could not control the damage

Lily's balloons

2011-08-04T07:01:00.001-04:00

This is just a quick video of our balloon release from yesterday. I do have the pics of the balloons for those that wanted their baby's name on the balloon and I will post those soon!

Pics of Lily's 3rd birthday!

2011-08-04T06:45:00.003-04:00

I so wanted yesterday to be a day of love and celebration and not a day of mourning. I think we succeded in having a day full of remembrance and very minimal tears!

We started our day with butterfly shaped blueberry pancakes!

The message on the inside of the box lids. This was my last touch to make the boxes perfect!

The boxes and Lilybear. LB was part of our memory box when we left the hospital without Lily. She still sleeps in the bed with us.

My rainbow and me with the balloons that we sent to Lily for her birthday~

Lily's little brother and daddy :)

What my daughter's death has taught me...

2011-08-03T06:38:00.002-04:00

1. God always loves you. I now know that her death wasn't meant as a punishment. In the first few weeks and months, I was pretty sure that He allowed her death because of my really rawdy and raunchy college days (hey, I went to UGA!). I now this isn't the case. How do I know? Because I know a man named Jesus. I'm confident in His promise.

2. Sometimes life is just unfair. Crappy things happen to good people all the time. Yes, your child dying exceeds the definition of crappy but you get me. And, yes, I'm totally defining myself and my hubby as good people because we are...

3. Life is precious. Every single heartbeat and breath is a miracle. Another day to be YOU. There is only one YOU. That's why I miss Lily still to this day. There can never or will ever be another HER.

4. This is how love should be:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4"

This is the love that I have for her every.single.day. Yes, I love my hubby, I have since our second date! True story! And, my love for him also fits this description but I don't think I truly acknowledge this true and perfect love until I lost her.

5. Years take away the sting but they don't take away all the pain. I don't cry every day, heck sometimes, I go months now without crying BUT I miss her everyday.

6. Live your life with purpose. I want to make her proud. I will never allow her to fade into the background so everyday I will strive to be the best me. Whether that best me is moody one day and super sweet the next day, I will always be there for others.

7. It's the little things in life that people notice. I will always say "please" and "thank you" to others. I will always hold the door open for the person leaving the store at the same time as me. I will always say "bless you" even to a stranger that sneezes. I will occasionally (hey, I do have a budget, lol) buy the coffee for the person behind me in the Star.buck's drive thru. I will tell my hubby and child that I love them every.single.day. I will play with Cooper even though I'd rather sit on the couch. I will kiss his cheeks as many times a day as possible. I will sweep the floor everyday because I know it makes my hubby happy. I'll never let the sheets go a week without being washed because I know my hubby loves to sleep in a clean bed.

8. To always, always love life. Don't ever take it for granted.

Dear Lily,

Happy birthday! I LOVE you!!!! Watch for your balloons today!

I can't wait to give you hugs and kisses one day, sweet girl..

Mommy

One last day

2011-08-02T07:03:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow, I will have to officially say that Lily has been gone for 3 years. Wow.

The Jen of August 2, 2008 wouldn't even know who she was looking at now. How much stronger and weaker that I can be all at the same time. My faith in God unshakeable on August 2, 2008 despite 18 months of trying to conceive. Her death rocked that faith to it's foundation. Most days, my faith is solid but other days, I still question. The Jen of August 2, 2008 would've never done that. Maybe, the Jen of August 2, 2008 took things for granted and was naive because "bad" things like losing a baby never happen to loving, God-fearing people. They do everyday.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and time will still be moving. But, tomorrow will all be about HER and what she's taught me...Tomorrow, I won't wonder what 3 years and one day will feel like.

I love you, sweet baby. Forever.

Treasures

2011-08-01T12:53:00.002-04:00

I keep the box of Lily's things from the hospital in our fireproof safe and I don't really get them out very often. I think it's been a little over a year since the last time that I took them out. I felt an overwhelming urge to get the box and her little dresses, hats and blankets out and touch them over the weekend.

As pissed as I still am at my ex-ob-gyn and her lack of skill (just my opinion!), I will say that the hospital staff was very loving and gentle with her. They brought Lily to my hubby in an adorable little dress with pink and blue hands on it, a tiny pink knit hat and a beautiful pink knit blanket. I didn't get to see her until late the next day so when they brought her to me, she was wearing a white dress with a cross stitched on the front, a purple hat and a purple knit blanket. We've got all the dresses, hats and blankets in Zip.loc bags. There are still blood stains on these dresses. I didn't care and proceeded to press them into my face and take a deep breath in. These dresses physically touched her. They laid on her perfect, tiny body.

They also did 3 sets of foot prints for us which have just been sitting in the box. I scanned one last night so that I could show people her tiny and perfect feet! I've also decided to have a tattoo made of them, as well <3

There were a few tears but overall, I'm just so relieved and happy to have these items. They're my treasures...

Not in the mood

2011-07-28T12:59:00.002-04:00

I'm the vice-president of our mom's club and we had our board meeting this morning. We're trying to hammer out the August calendar of events and they wanted to go get frozen yogurt on August 3rd. They don't know the significance of this date but I just said that I couldn't make it on that day...Would it hurt to get frozen yogurt on her birthday with my and Cooper's friends on her birthday? No. I just don't want to.

I don't want to go and act that my heart is all light and fluffy with a group of (lovely) people that have no idea what I'm feeling. My hubby and I are both having a difficult time with Lily's 3rd birthday. I guess because 3 years sounds like such a long time.

I want to wake up on Wednesday and take care of my boy, Lily's brother. Light her candle. Maybe, make heart shaped pancakes. I'm going to take her boxes to the hospital and pick up some pink balloons. I just want to be close to my family on that day. I'm even going to skip bootcamp. I just don't have it in me to be fake that day. Her day.

Beautiful, heartfelt cards

2011-07-27T14:45:00.005-04:00

Let's face it, there are NO hall.mark cards that are going to be adequate in the way of babyloss. Our community and our babies are too depressing for the general masses. So, thank God for a fellow babyloss mom, Franchesca who is mommy to sweet Jenna Belle. Franchesca is also the talent behind Small bird studios which I'm sure many of you are familiar with :)

I bought this beautiful card to go inside Lily's boxes. It says "I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. May the peace that passes all understanding surrond you." I knew this was *the* card the moment that I saw it...

If you're in the market for a baby loss card (and, I hope you're not...) but these cards are beautiful. She also does cards for families with a baby in the nicu. She's sadly familiar with both those worlds, nicu and babyloss...Thank you, Fran, for providing us with these beautiful pieces of art that convey exactly what our hearts feel xoxo

Lily's memory boxes

2011-07-23T17:06:00.003-04:00

I've been working on the boxes for Lily's birthday for the last couple of weeks and I'm almost done! I'm compiling the list of books on grieving and I have to find the perfect words for the beautiful cards that I bought for the boxes. The cards were designed by Franchesca and they deserve a post all their own which I will be doing in the next day or so!

But, here are the boxes so far! :)

A teddy bear to cuddle, a blanket to wrap around the baby and take home with them, a journal to write down all the emotions that will come up in the hours, days, weeks, months following the baby's passing, a disposable camera, a picture frame and a hand (or foot) mold.

I'm going to decorate the outside of the box more about right now I have pink and blue baby hands and feet stickers.

Face.book event..

2011-07-13T07:05:00.002-04:00

I created a face.book event page for Lily's birthday but only invited my blm and closest family and friends. Mainly, I left out friends that although they're kind, they just wouldn't get "it".

This is probably evil but I check the people who've clicked "I'm attending" and I add them to my true friends list. And, I'm seriously debating dropping the friends that either click "not attending" or are ignoring it all together.

It's a VIRTUAL event just saying that you'll think of Lily, light a candle or release a balloon in her honor. You can think of her from your couch! No one has clicked "not attending" as of yet but there are several names on the pending list and it's actually kinda hurting my feelings now. I guess these feelings come from the fact that I go out of my way to remember a lot of babies of my fb blm friends and I will be kind of irritated if they ignore her birthday.

I don't know maybe my emotions are just getting high because her birthday is only a few weeks away.

Just ramblings...

2011-07-11T13:50:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was 3 years since we got the funny shock that Lily wasn't a boy and was a girl! I remember how excited I was to be having my girl and our first stop was babies-r-us. All of those clothes are still on their hangers with tags on them. I never got to the washing and folding of them. I'm glad that I still have all those clothes, too. They remain my link to that time with her.

I've decided to not do a big family party for her birthday this year. I've chosen instead to do the memory baskets and a balloon release that day. We're also planning on a day trip for the 3 of us on the Saturday prior to her birthday. More about the location later :) If you would like your baby(ies)'s name included on the balloon then please leave me a comment!

I'm almost done with the memory baskets! I've got to buy the baskets, one more hand/foot mold and the teddybears and they'll be complete! I never get to spend time or money on anything for her anymore so I do *enjoy* working on these projects.

My last thought for this post. I love her. I miss her. The end.

Faces of Loss

2011-07-09T11:14:00.003-04:00

Faces of Loss is currently in the running in Pepsi's refresh project that awards $25,000 to an community organization that "refreshes" the world. How can the subject of pregnancy loss every be refreshing but think of the good this money would do to help the babyloss community. How many more families will be helped after the loss of a baby if Faces of Loss were to win???

We can do this, people!

Please take the time to VOTE!

Prayer request...

2011-07-06T09:37:00.002-04:00

I'm not at liberty to elaborate but I would like to ask all of you to pray for a family that is going through a heartbreaking time in their lives. God knows who they are and He holds them in His hands.

I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about why God does what He does. I've come to terms with the fact that this question has no answer. I'm currently reading Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place and she touches upon this question but with a very beautiful and eloquent answer:

"Some knowledge is too heavy...you cannot bear it...your Father will carry it until you are able."

I've always contended that my human heart couldn't possibly understand why we've been chosen to carry this particular burden but we all have our own individual loads to carry. Why the load has never been too heavy hasn't escaped my attention. He helps me carry it everyday.

I love you, Father God, for never leaving my side and for always carrying the load just enough to make life a joy again.

Lily's birthday...

2011-07-05T09:26:00.003-04:00

I just got off the phone with the volunteer department at the hospital were Lily died. Oddly, I'm not really sad but in a place of numbness. Really, this is her 3rd birthday and I should just be used to this...but, then again, how does someone get used to doing things in memory of instead of a celebration, especially when you're talking about your child????

My plan is to make 3 breavement boxes to be passed out to a grieving families. I wanted to include things in the boxes that I wish I would've had when Lily unexpectedly died. Two of the most important things being a disposable camera and a hand/feet mold kit. The other items will be a baby blanket, a teddy bear, a journal, a picture frame and a list of suggested reading to deal with the grieving process...

So, I ask all of you, my babyloss momma friends, what book especially helped you during the grieving process?

35 months...

2011-07-03T15:17:00.004-04:00

I remember writing my 23 month post just like it was yesterday. The month before another year flips over is very surreal to me. I cannot believe that she's going to be gone for 3 years in a month. 3 years.

How much has changed in 3 years and still so much as remained the same. Three years ago, I was told that I wouldn't be able to give birth again and to look at adoption. Now, I have a very active, happy, and loving 20 month old that did grow inside my crappy uterus. The thing that remains the same is I consider my role as a babyloss momma to still be just as important as when that role began on August 3, 2008. My heart still loves and misses her as fiercely. My desire to talk about her and to give her life meaning still remains.

So, I'll live the next 30 days the same way that I've lived the last 35 months. I'll wake and thank God for another day. Another day to love and remember. Another day to raise and enjoy Lily's little brother. Another day to live and make my way back to her...

(And, a big shout out to Kelli for solving my commenting problem! I'll be commenting again, yay!)

Comments

2011-07-02T06:45:00.002-04:00

Am I the only one still have problems leaving comments on blogs???? This is very frustrating because I am unable to leave any words of support, to comiserate, or enter any of your wonderful giveaways!

I have noticed that I can't leave comments on the blogs with a comment box but I can if you have to hit "leave a comment" and then the box comes up. If any of you know how I can fix this please leave me a comment, lol!

Thanks!

Boston, then and now...

2011-06-27T16:14:00.005-04:00

Boston, May 2008

Boston, June 2011

The first time I went to Boston was Memorial day weekend 2008 and I was 14-15 weeks pregnant with Lily. I was so happy to be pregnant and even bought her a gender neutral onesie because we didn't know the gender yet. She never got to wear that onesie and instead it was handed down to her little brother.

I went to Boston last weekend with my bestfriend of 25 years. My very first girl's trip and my bf had never been to Boston so we decided to go there for the weekend. Actually, I had worried about the Lily triggers as I made hotel reservations. I thought about the memories of my last trip as I boarded the plane to return to this awesome city. I only cried once but she was a constant thought as I walked the cobble stone streets toward Paul Revere's house and the Old North Church. I wonder if I cried for her or for the Jen that will never be again...

The top pic is from that first trip with Lily tucked safely inside of me. Who would've known while I sat on that fountain that I would have such a short time left with her?

The second pic is from last weekend. I knew it was going to be in the 60's and rainy so I packed my Boston sweatshirt that I purchased on my last trip. I feel like I've aged so much from one pic to the next. I've definitely gained a lot of weight which I have been working on.

We ended the night with having a drink in a pub and I had a lump in my throat as I drank some fruity cocktail that I didn't even really enjoy. My only goal was to try not to cry from missing her so much as I gulped down my drink.

3 years ago today...

2011-06-21T19:40:00.006-04:00

We were told that Lily was a boy. Before Lily died, the sex of the baby was important to me. I was innocent and secretly was hoping for a girl. Ugh, I wish I could slap that old Jennifer. Really, I was such an idiot!

We found out she was a girl about 3 weeks later and lost her about a month later...I miss that happy go lucky heart, I really do...

It's a different type of grieving...

2011-06-06T09:23:00.003-04:00

First, I mean no disrespect to those of you that have yet to have a rainbow baby. Second, I'm writing here instead of Cooper's blog because I don't ever want him to feel like he's not enough.

Really, I'm just now starting to grieve the loss of my childbearing ability. My mindset when I first found out about the hysterectomy when I was pregnant with Cooper was to not worry about it until later. My main concern was getting Cooper here safely. I guess the "later" is now.

I guess this is all coming about now because my rainbow baby is 19 months which is normally around the time when people start planning on adding another baby to the family. It seems that there are pregnancy announcements popping up everywhere these days and I don't want people to not include me in their happy news but inside, it hurts.

I know that there are some people that purposely only have one child and I wish that I could get my heart to that point. I'm warning those friends in real-life that read this blog that if you give me that "just be happy you're blessed with the one child" line, that I will go ape-sh*t on you. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I worship the ground that Cooper crawls on. He's the most precious person in the entire world to me. I can't imagine my life without him and I love him with every single breath that I take in and out. But, that doesn't take away the desire to have another baby.

I love the people that can pop out babies like there's no tomorrow giving the response "just adopt!" as if that's so easy. First, adoption takes a lot of money (try $25,000-$40,000) and that's just to get the baby in our house. Then, we get to start spending the money that "normal" people get to spend like health care costs, college fund, etc. I just want to be "normal", damn it.

Obviously, my body isn't made for having babies because I almost died having the first one and death was always a possibly in my second pregnancy after the placenta increta was discovered. My uterus was useless. I am not made for carrying babies. I wish God would just take that desire out of my heart.

So, I grieve for my first baby that I'll never know on earth and I grieve for all the babies that I'll never have the chance to know at all.

I wonder what normal feels like...

2011-05-27T14:02:00.002-04:00

I sometimes wonder what "normal" feels like...

In the last 3 years this has been my life; 2 surgeries to repair reproductive organs and 17 months of trying to conceive, losing Lily to a uterine rupture which is one of the rarest catastrophes to happen in a pregnancy, getting pregnant with Cooper and then developing placenta increta (again super rare), Cooper being born at 31 weeks, hysterectomy at 31 years old, and then all of Cooper's trials with his hypotonia. Really, I'm exhausted just reading the list but then I lived it and still deal with some of these issues on a daily basis.

To those of you that get pregnant easy or hell, can get pregnant, please, cherish the blessing! I'm as sterile as sterile comes and it's starting to hurt with all of these pregnancy announcements. I'm truly happy for all of the pregnant women but gosh, it hurts to know that I'll never have another chance.

For those that get pregnant and have uneventful pregnancies, relish in your innocence! I can't even imagine how that must feel...To bring home every baby that you've been pregnant with, wow, what a true blessing. Kiss and tell these precious babies, how much you love them everyday.

For those with completely healthy children and only have the "normal" stuff to worry about, how I envy you! I really can't stand to hear people whine when their kids aren't walking at a year old...ugh...but, I don't want to regress...

I just really, really wonder what it must feel like to have a "normal" life. I know everyone has trials but it just seems like my deck seems a lot heavier than many around me.

Yes, I'm back...I just can't stay away!

2011-05-25T18:49:00.000-04:00

I was reading a great article in this month's Parent's magazine regarding parents that have fought to change laws after their child dies in a (mostly) preventable and tragic accident. One of the moms said something so *perfect* that I just had to come out of blog vacation and share:

"Just because we're still talking about our child doesn't mean we aren't moving on. We are moving on and taking him with us."

THIS is how I feel! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I live life everyday and 98% of that time with a smile on my face. I've dealt with more in the last 3 years (and, to extent on a daily basis with my rainbow's muscle condition) than most people will ever experience and most people (not to brag!) ask me how I always manage to be positive. I think there is some misperception by friends and family that I'm somehow still stuck but I'm not! I still have moments where I'm not "okay" that losing Lily (and, my hysterectomy) is the deck of cards that God handed to me BUT I live with it, still praising God and with a smile on my face.

Sometimes, I feel like walking away from Lily's blog and not look back but I feel like she wants me to stay here and help. This blog isn't my emotional crutch, I don't need her blog to help me cope with my grief, I really don't. I stay because I hope to help. I can't crusade to change laws so another woman won't experience a uterine rupture or that another woman won't ever experience the stabbing loss of giving birth to a dead baby. What I can do is offer love and support to other grieving moms in her memory. She keeps me here to offer my moments so that others will know that it's normal to feel this way. She keeps me here so that I can read that post on a blm's blog that screams "help me, I feel like I'm drowning in the pain" and offer words of encouragement.

So, my blog vacation lasted almost a week. What can I say, I just love this community and the friends that I've made here. I'll leave when I'm good and ready and if that doesn't happen...well, I hope you guys don't mind my company, lol...

Also, I can't comment on any blogs right now for some reason so please, know that I'm reading and hope to comment soon!

Internet vacation

2011-05-19T15:04:00.002-04:00

I've decided to take an internet vacation! I'm taking a break from blogging and closing my fb account. Really, I started Lily's blog as a way to move through my grief but I've come to the conclusion that I need to step back.

In some ways, I think staying in bloggingland as kept me in some level of grief that I need to push through. I really love so many of you here so know that I'll be back!

Thank you for your friendship, love and support. This community will always be in my prayers!

Love,
Jen
Lily's mommy

They've bloomed!

2011-05-18T06:49:00.003-04:00

Lily's lilies started to bloom over the weekend and they're just lovely! I get such a smile on my face as I back out of my driveway and see these lovelies!

This pic was taken on Sunday and more have bloomed since then. I swear they're so tall that they look like Lily trees!

Heaven is for Real

2011-05-17T08:55:00.004-04:00

****Spoiler alert! I just got done reading this book so don't read this post if you plan on reading the book! This is your friendly warning******

I bought Heaven is for Real at Cost.co the other day and started reading it during Cooper's afternoon nap. I couldn't put the book down! It's ahhhhmazing! Quick summary, a little boy visits Heaven during a surgery for a ruptured appendix. He starts talking to his family about meeting God, Jesus, and what Heaven looks like about 4 months after his surgery. He knew things about Jesus and Heaven that 4 year olds just don't know and I don't care how often that 4 year old goes to church! What was truly amazing was that he met his sister in Heaven that he didn't know his mom had miscarried prior to getting pregnant with him. This part of the story is what had me sobbing and gasping for air.

As a Believer and a mother to baby that was born straight into the arms of Jesus, the very thought of seeing her again in Heaven is what sustains me. I seriously know that every night that I lay my head on the pillow that I'm one day closer to seeing her again. I'm 100% confident in His promise to me. I guess, I just always kinda wondered what she'll look like or how old she'll be, those types of things.

In the book, the mom has an early miscarriage, I guess around 8 weeks or so, but in Heaven, the baby which turns out to be a girl is a little girl. So, she's not a baby in Heaven but a little girl. He asks her what her name is but she says that she doesn't have one which makes sense because the miscarriage happened way before you would know the sex of a baby so therefore the family didn't give the baby a name. Although, many families do give names to early pregnancy loss babies which I think is beautiful but this family did not and that's fine, too!

The mom in this story had been carrying around so much guilt because she felt that her body failed her baby. How many of us feel this guilt? The Lord knows that I still have problems with blaming myself. It's kinda weird but I actually felt some liberation when I had my hysterectomy because I felt like my uterus was getting what it deserved. Gosh, that sounds strange, but it's true! The guilt comes and goes even almost 34 months after Lily's death. I can't help it but I'm going to start trying to forgive myself, I mean, really, really forgiving myself.

Anyways, I highly recommend it to my fellow Believers and babyloss momma friends! It's a quick read, I seriously read it in 3 hours!

Why, oh why?

2011-05-11T13:11:00.003-04:00

I try not to watch too much tv while Cooper is around to protect those delicate brain neurons but I'm kinda in a blah-ish mood today so decided to watch House while Cooper played with his toys. I should've known to keep roaming the channels but I decided to go ahead and watch the episode about sick babies in the nicu. I thought to myself "okay, I can do this..." Thinking back, I was already kinda sad so why not heap on an extra helping...what do they call this? Masochistic?

One of the babies die which is totally heartbreaking but then they showed the mom's reaction to the news which took my flashback scale to a whole new level. Which made me think of my own reaction to Lily's death...I was in complete shock. I really don't think I cried but I do remember hyperventilating and saying "this can't be happening to me." I was just so sick and got progressively worse so they just kept drugging me up. I don't think I really, really got to cry and grieve until I was taken off the ventilator and the nurse very kindly told me "tell me when you're ready for your daughter..." I totally lost it then. I remember thinking to myself "please, put me back to sleep. I don't want this reality." But, it's been my reality now for 33 months. I'm crying right now just thinking back to those early days.

One of the ladies on the episode pondered if her and her husband's marriage would survive if their baby died. One of the wisest things my mil ever said to us following Lily's death was that a child's death will either make your marriage or break your marriage. (for new readers, my in-laws had a son that died during childbirth. My hubby was adopted 2 years following his death. My in-laws have been married for 52 years.) Our marriage did evolve after Lily's death. Now, we've always been madly in love, really since our second date, but our love has grown so much deeper and truer since losing Lily. We've held each other while we've cried, he's held the pillow for me while I beat the crap out of it during my anger stages, we have a secret language now that tells the other one "hey, I'm having a missing Lily moment". Those moments require no spoken words because we can see it in each other's eyes.

Needless, to say, the tv is off again...

We're getting so close!

2011-05-07T20:34:00.003-04:00

To Lily's lilies being in bloom! They're going to be gigantic this year!

Last night...

2011-05-05T06:58:00.003-04:00

I had one of those moments.

I was with my book club and 3 of the ladies have given birth to baby girls in the last 6 months. It's not the baby girl part that sadden me, actually. It was all the talk of smock dresses, going to tea parties and the other girlie things that stabbed me in the heart. I'll never have that. Adoption or surrogacy is just so hard that it seems unfathomable that we'll grow our family that way.

I guess I went last night in a vulnerable state anyways. I've been missing Lily and quite frankly, Delilah, a lot the last few days. I think the walk sparked some longing in my heart again, well, that longing is always there but it hasn't been so dorminant the last few days. And, how crazy is it to miss your cat? She was just always there to give me extra love and she just "listened", ya know? Just listening is a rarity in humans. I recently decided to stop being so open with one person in my life because they just always want to give advice when sometimes I just want someone to listen.

I'm just in a pity party mood, I guess!

March for Babies 2011

2011-05-02T19:57:00.003-04:00

The walk on Saturday was really awesome! The weather was a godsend with low 70's as we made the 5.5 mile walk...I thought of Lily and how I probably wouldn't have been walking if we hadn't lost her. I thought of what we could've been doing instead but alas, I should learn that's all a silly daydream...

I always buy a big bouquet of flowers for Lily when we have a big occasion. I light her candle and just imagine that she's here...

Share's table at the walk. I met with the founder, Marcia, who has done so much for our community...

Mommy's heart for Lily at Share's table...

Our sign that I carried for 5 miles because I carried my 6 year old niece on my back for the last half mile...

My rainbow baby, Cooper and I right before the walk~ for those of you that don't know or don't follow my rainbow blog, Cooper was born at 31 weeks!

When A Baby Dies

2011-04-29T07:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Lily,

Tomorrow is the walk and I miss you. Please, know that I still think of you everyday. Like this video says "missing you is an eternal pain that will never leave me." Mommy loves you. Mommy will think of you with every step tomorrow.

I will see you one day. I will kiss your cheeks one day. Until then, I love you with my all my heart. Today I will give your brother double the kisses and send them all to you, my love.

Forever,
Mommy

2011-04-26T16:13:00.000-04:00

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Lily bloom :)

2011-04-23T17:00:00.004-04:00

I saw this purse at Sears today and loved it immediately and loved it even more when I saw that the brand name was Lily bloom! The most awesome thing about this purse is that it's fabric is made of recycled plastic bottles!

I wish I would've bought it yesterday so I could've posted a pic in honor of Earth day...

So, win-win for Lily's mommy! It's named Lily bloom and it's eco-friendly :) Oh, and it retails for $65 but I found it for 50% off at Sears! Score!

2011-04-22T10:54:00.002-04:00

Here are two examples of how I feel that I'm *better* regarding Lily's death...

1. I heard someone say that their daughter's name was Lily and it didn't even phase me. Afterall, it's not like I own her name.

2. Our church is having a Mother and daughter luncheon and I'm *okay* with it. Whereas, last year at Mother's day, this would've depressed me.

One way I still HATE that she's not here...

I went to get a mani/pedi this morning and a dad was there with his daughter getting a mani. I feel sorry for my hubby still that he won't experience these types of activities. I've learned to live with the things that I will never do with Lily but I still feel bad for what my hubby is missing.

A prayer of thanksgiving this morning!

2011-04-20T06:40:00.003-04:00

For the safe arrival of Ann's rainbow baby, Adrian! Welcome to the world little guy! You have a whole host of honorary aunties that love you to pieces!

Congrats and ((hugs)) to Ann and her entire family on this joyous occasion!

* To my non-blm readers, a rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a pregnancy loss. The rainbow signifies the beauty that comes after the storm...

A few thank you's

2011-04-18T20:46:00.003-04:00

I love to see Lily's name and my heart was made happy a few times over the last week!

Sarita made these beautiful tags for Lily and they're just precious!

Thank you to Trennia for remembering my sweet girl while she was on vacation!

Brigette sent Lily a balloon for her sweet Kael's 3rd birthday!

I am still doing Lily's House of Hope and your requests (for blms) can be made to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

Rabbit Hole

2011-04-13T20:25:00.001-04:00

I have no idea why my posts aren't in paragraphs instead of one long paragraph. Anyone know how to fix this problem? I'm out of ideas and I apologize! Have any of you seen this movie? It's about a couple learning how to live their life again following their son's death. It's really depressing but I guess there isn't anyway to make a movie about a child's death into a "light" movie, now is there? I was partically interested in the scene where they're at support group and this couple is talking about how their daughter's death was God's plan and that God needed another angel. The mom in the movie interrupts the parent's to say "He's God, why didn't He just make another angel?" Now, every momma in the babyloss community has received both of these comments and normally they come from well-meaning (albeit, clueless) people. And, I believe the first statement that God does have a plan and I don't have to be in agreement with this plan. But, I don't buy the second comment about God needing angels. I'm not a theologican by any means but I know that when we die that we don't become angels. We die and we go to Heaven if we've accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. I believe though that babies are too young to make this decision and to go to Heaven when they die. (Please, email me with any questions related to these statements! These are my personal beliefs and this is my blog...so there!) Another part of the movie is when the mom and grandma (her mom) are packing up the son's belongings and putting them away in attempts to sell their house. The grandma also had a child die so the mom asks her if the pain ever goes away. I liked the grandma's answer and paraphrasing here, she's basically says that your child's death changes you because of the weight that you carry. She compared the grief to carrying a rock in your pocket. You carry the rock in your pocket and you get used to carrying the extra weight and sometimes you pull that rock out of your pocket and feel the pain all over again. I think this is true regardless of the type of loss that you carry. Long time readers will know that I strongly discourage people from making their loss greater than someone elses. I don't compare misscarriage vs stillbirth vs infant death vs older child's death. Someone's grief is all relative. Anyhow, I know that there are days when I skip through the world with a smile on my face and no one would ever know what I carry in my heart but there are other days when the weight is carried all over my body. The weight in my heart is too much. Those days are less and the lighter days are more but I still feel that rock in my pocket. I've accepted this rock in my pocket but I'll never be okay with carrying it. I'd much rather feel the weight of my daughter rather than the weight of this rock but I guess that's my life in a different rabbit hole...

2 years, 8 months, 1 week and 5 days...

2011-04-12T07:04:00.000-04:00

That's how long it will have taken me when I go to my first baby shower since losing Lily, other than my shower for Cooper, on Friday. And, really the only reason that I can wholeheartedly go to this one is because she's having a boy. I must be the most selfish person on the entire planet because I would fake a dentist appointment if she were having a girl. I'm even bringing an appetizer so this is something that I have to plan ahead for and go buy a gift. Now, I have bought girl gifts for my blms that have girl rainbow babies and this doesn't bother me at all! But, friends who have baby girls will receive a greeting card with a gift card inside. Yeah, I don't know if that puts me on the crappy friend scale or not! Hey, it's one step forward even if I'm still not ready for girl baby showers but one step forward is better than two steps back!

2011-04-10T13:47:00.000-04:00

I wrote a whole post on Friday about some things stirring in my spirit lately but God gave me some answers today. He always does that...answering right on time. If I allow my human heart to speak than I would say that He started answering my question almost 3 years too late BUT things will never work out on our timetable! I feel peace with my stirrings so my human heart is being quieted so that it can hear what God wants me to. With that being said, I've decided to take a break from Facebook because I feel it's taking up too much of my free time. I try to only get on when Cooper is in bed whether that's a nap or at night (he always wakes up before me!) but I know I could be doing more productive things with my time. I have a lot of blogging friends on facebook but don't fret, I'm not leaving blogging world! I feel like I get more out of my blogs than I do facebook, really! To be honest, I feel like Facebook has made us into a world full of acquaintances! People that SHOULD HAVE called me on my birthday only wrote on my wall...I have a problem with that, actually! And, I've found some recent disappointment in people when you try to be more intimate (nothing taboo!) with them. Anyways, I don't want to digress into all that mess! Again, I'll be around here but wanted to let my facebook friends know why I'm no longer commenting on everything that you post about :) So, Cooper is in his crib and in the process of falling asleep so I'm going to go be productive now :) Jen, Lily and Cooper's mommy!

Thank you~

2011-04-09T08:08:00.000-04:00

Thank you for your kind words and support on my last post. Lily has certainly lead me to a wonderful group of friends which is what I considered all of you! Friends are people that make you laugh and smile when you need them and give words of encouragement exactly when you're down. I hope I've done the same for you :) Sweet Sarita is offering her beautiful handmade tags to blms for their babies. Go over and give her a visit!

Why am I still here..

2011-04-06T19:54:00.000-04:00

on Lily's blog, that is... I made a handful of blogging friends around the time that Lily died and none of them really write on their baby's blog anymore. This has me wondering why I still come here so much. I guess I still come here because this is the only place that I can talk about every feeling that crosses my heart. I don't have to be all confetti and unicorns here. I hope that I've helped others and that I can continue to do so with Lily's memory being my motivating factor. I want to help to make her proud. I hope I can give comfort to another grieving mom by just one post... This blog has been a road map of my progress from deep dark despair to a place of a happy calm...I wrote when I wanted to die (and, I really did in the early days) and now I write because I still have so much to live for... I think I really blog here a lot still because the rest of the world has left her behind but this blog, Lily's blog, keeps her memory alive...my memories of her. My love for her is displayed here for anyone and everyone to see and I guess, I really like that idea.

Blah, blah, blah

2011-04-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

My in-laws visited this weekend and overall the time with them was pleasant which hasn't always been the case. Really, the only time this weekend that they truly irked me was when they went on and on and on about how much easier it is to take care of a boy than a girl. Here's a quote "ugh, could you imagine changing a poopie diaper on a baby girl!" Really? I would've LOVED to have changed just one of Lily's diapers... Now, I got those comments about girl babies vs boy babies all the time from well-meaning strangers when I was pregnant and right after Cooper was born BUT people that know/love/care for me would NEVER say those comments to me. So, one must come to the conclusion that they are just totally clueless knowing that these two people do know/love/care for me. So, I love them and they're both close to 80 so what can you do? It's not worth mentioning to them because really, I don't think they will ever change.

33 and 3

2011-03-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

Today, I'm 33 which I'm not thrilled about but getting older means that you're still alive! Today, also marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Lily. My day is full of 3's today so I think I'm going to buy a lotto ticket...

So, this morning I woke up to go to the restroom at 3:33...isn't that crazy! Maybe a strange coincidence but my heart tells me that Lily was telling me Happy Birthday :) She knew how much I miss her everyday but how I'm missing her just a little extra day.

I love you, Lily. Here's to both of us on a special day!

Lily's lilies!

2011-03-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

Most of you know the story about how we came up with Lily's name. I thought it would be fun to photograph her lilies coming up this year! We get so excited as soon as we seen the little sprouts pop up out of the pinestraw!

All of these lilies came from our 2007 Easter Lily! I can't wait to see them in full bloom!

Time traveling

2011-03-23T08:44:00.000-04:00

My hubby and I watched The Time Traveler's Wife last night and we both were kinda sad after watching the movie. First, the little girl in the movie was kinda how we picture Lily being as a little girl. Secondly, I started thinking about how I wish I could go back in time to the day that I held Lily BUT do I really, really mean that...

Yeah, I would love to go back to that day and really study every little piece of her. I'll always be mad at myself for not looking at her ears.

But, you have to take the good with the bad if I went back to that time. I found it hard to breathe in those early days, weeks and months after losing Lily. I would crawl into a ball and just wail until I had to gasp for air. I hated being in public and I truly hated pregnant women and poor innocent babies. I wasn't me.

It's gotten easier to live as the years without her have gone by but my world still isn't the same. I still cry but normally it's very brief. I still long for the daughter that I lost but the longing doesn't make me immobile anymore.

So, I wish I could go back for just a few hours but no more so that I could do all the things with her that I regret not doing but I don't want to have to re-live all of those dark moments again. I guess you can't have it both ways, now can you?

She's a part of my story..

2011-03-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

I have to admit that recently I have begun answering the dreaded question of "is Cooper your only child" with the answer "yes" because quite honestly the answer "no" was becoming more painful. That sounds odd but the answer "yes" is simple. I don't have to tell her story and *feel* the weight of my heart.

I met a blm unexpectedly the other night while helping with a consignment sale. She's a new mom to our group and is very pregnant with her second boy. We were talking about pregnancy and such and told me that she lost a baby at 6 weeks before having her first son. She gave this information without even knowing about Lily and she said it so pointedly but with love. We then had a long conversation about Lily and I explained why I didn't just come out and tell her about Lily when she first asked me about how many kids that I have.

In the beginning, I was very "out there" with my loss. I was very defiant to anyone that minimized her life AND I still am. Although, over the months that defiance has become more subdued. I began to sympathize with the fact that for most people the subject of a dead baby is very hard. It used to infuriate me when people remarked about pictures of dead babies but to be honest, most people have never seen a picture of a dead baby. Heck, I'd never seen a dead baby before meeting my own.

But, this new friend said to me that I should still tell people about Lily because she is a part of my story. Lily's story changed my life forever...

I've often wondered...

2011-03-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

how it feels to be one of the medical professionals that deal with miscarriages, stillbirths and infant deaths. I can't imagine having to watch people be in that situation and not being able to do anything to change the outcomes. I found the following link with a midwife describing how it feels to be there for a stillborn baby's birth. It's a very quick video and not graphic (for those outside the babyloss community) for those that want to give a quick look!

I met someone today and our conversations looped around to our pregnancies and childbirthing experiences. Actually, our conversation started about adopting children out of the foster care system and I had mentioned to her that we couldn't have anymore kids so were looking at adoption. So, the inevitable question of "why can't you have anymore kids?" came up and it never bothers me to answer it. BUT, I have to start with Lily's death to answer that question. I always brace myself for that look but she gave me a look of understanding. As it would turn out, her bestfriend gave birth to a stillborn baby in November 2008 at a week after her due date. Actually, the docs told her bestfriend that the baby actually died about 4 pushes from being outside her body. Could you imagine? I found her next response quite profound considering this new friend is not a babyloss momma but she commented on the fact about how quiet the whole topic of stillbirth is...and it is! She replied about how common stillbirth is but that no one really talks about it...

How true, therefore this blog...

My 301st post...

2011-03-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

is to do a huge edit on my previous post! Most of you remember that I don't have a womb anymore but sometimes I still forget! It's strange but really sometimes I still feel phantom kicks and I have to remind myself that the ole chamber of death, i.e. my uterus, my womb isn't there anymore...

So, let's just say that my body obviously hasn't forgotten Lily's sweet life!

My 300th post!

2011-03-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

I'm an avid reader and really, there isn't any point where the question "what are you reading right now" would ever result in the answer "nothing". One of my favorite authors is Diana Gabaldon who is best known for her Outlander series. I came onto the Outlander series a little late in the game but have been totally obsessed since the first book. I seriously tried adding the names Jamie and Claire onto the baby names list both times that we were pregnant but my hubby wasn't buying into them (although, to be fair we do have a niece named Claire and one of my hubby's best buds is named Jamie so those names do kinda hit close to home!). A really quick summary of the series is that Claire was from the 20th century and she gets transported back in time to 18th century Scotland. She falls in love with a Scottish Highlander warrior and they survive adventure after adventure...So, really you get a historical novel, sci-fi, romance and mystery all wrapped in together in this series. Seriously, people, it doesn't get much better than this!

So, in the second book, Claire gives birth to a stillborn daughter named Faith and I'm no idiot, I know that this (even though Claire isn't a real person) fact gives me an emotional connection to her and these books. She does go on to have another daughter with Jamie but she always loves and misses Faith. I was reading this morning and she gives a line in the book that perfectly summarizes the emotions of losing a baby in utero:

"And yet I knew Faith to the last atom of her being; there was a hole in my heart that fit her shape exactly."

Now, she's recalling this love of her daughter, Faith, 20+ years after her death. My Lily ticker to the left tells me that Lily has been gone for 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days. I'm sure most of my friends (even though they would never dare admit it because they're sweeties) are kinda tired of hearing about Lily. I've gone past that acceptable timetable of grief for a person that I was never graced to really live my life with...

But, my heart still knows everything about those 23 weeks together. My heart still knows about all the dreams and plans that I had for our lives together. My heart mourns for the experiences that we'll never share. How do you ever let go of the love for a human being that lived inside of your body? Your heart, your womb...they never forget.

There will always be a hole in my heart. No amount of time or other children will ever heal that hole. I live and I love today without issue but that hole will always be open...

My sweet grandma

2011-02-24T10:38:00.000-05:00

My grandma is almost 79 years old and we've always been close. She's the kind of grandma that would do slumber parties with you and make you anything that you wanted to eat when you were at her house. She'd put curlers in your hair and put make-up on you...she's just cool!

I was at her house the other day and she showed me this huge picture frame that she bought at a yard sale. This thing is huge and it has all these places to put pictures in so her plan is to put pics of all her great-grandkids in this frame. I'm used to Lily being ignored by most of the world but my grandma isn't the rest of the world. She said that she's going to put a special in memory spot of Lily in the picture frame. She also has Lily's birthday written down on the calendar like everyone else in the family...

I love my grandma.

Lily's charm

2011-02-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

My sweet hubby bought me some charms for my pandora bracelet for Valentine's Day! I wanted to share the one that he bought me for Lily. I tried to take a pic of my bracelet but the picture is so terrible! I got this picture from Pandora's website to share with you guys :)

It is so precious! The little stone is pink for our special girl! She's never forgotten...

Happy Valentine's Day~

2011-02-14T06:46:00.000-05:00

Please don't be sad now that we are apart,

Celebrate Valentine's with me in your heart.

Our best Valentine's ever is still yet to come,

For Heaven is where the first Valentine is from.

And so I look forward to when you'll be free,

To spend a Valentine's in Heaven with me.

I'm waiting with Angels, and until that day,

I'll keep sending my "Hugs & Kisses" your way.

Love your Angel

-author unknown

Dream or a nightmare?

2011-02-09T08:39:00.000-05:00

I had a dream (so, we'll call it) where I found out that I was pregnant (which we all know is impossible) and my dream me was less than happy. I spent most of the dream saying things like "this isn't supposed to happen!" and "where is the baby growing?". But, I also remember in the dream saying "my uterus is a death trap!" I also kept saying I can't leave Cooper to go hang out in a hospital for 8 weeks on bed rest...actually, I found the dream me to be quite logical!

In reality, I would never get pregnant again even if I didn't have the hysterectomy. Let's face it that my body (er, ex-uterus) obviously wasn't meant for it's intended purpose. It exploded at 23 weeks with Lily and barely pulled through for Cooper at 31 weeks. My pet peeve these days is hearing pregnant women complain about how long their pregnancies are...well, don't you sign up for 40 weeks when you get pregnant? Um, hello? I would've loved to carry a baby to full-term (heck, I would've taken anywhere from 35-36 weeks really!). But, let's not digress...

It has been on my heart lately to look into adoption again. I would love for Cooper to have a brother or sister to grow up with so this really is our most realistic option. Although, I'm totally renting a uterus if we ever win the lottery! Or, if someone in my real-life would like to volunteer to be a compassionate surrogate ;) Ha, you will be upgraded to my new best friend! I know that my sister growing up (and, even today) was my sidekick in everything..and, I want Coop to have that, too! He'll always have Lily as his big sister but I would love for him to be someone's big brother :)

Anyways, my pregnancy memories aren't fond, (well, Lily's pregnancy was perfect until the day that it wasn't) so my anger/worry in my dream didn't surprise me and those feelings lingered long after I woke up. I was blessed to experience pregnancy 2 times though and we made 2 beautiful babies...and, that's where I'll always be eternally grateful!

Remembering Kristen Eva~

2011-02-08T13:08:00.000-05:00

I made a new blogging friend, Sherri, who sadly joined the baby loss community when she lost her sweet Kristen on November 18, 2010. She lost Kristen at 22 weeks due to incompetent cervix.

I remember those first weeks and months after I lost Lily. Gosh, I felt so alone and depressed! Lily's blog became my grief outlet and I've made so many wonderful friends over the course of the last 30 months. I have about 3 friends that I met within the first few weeks after I lost Lily as we all lost our babies around the same time. And, let me tell you that these women are precious to me! How you can care for people so much that you've never met in real-life is beyond me! I've made many more wonderful friends that are blessings to me everyday!

Please, visit Sherri and make her feel as loved as all of you have done for me! I know she has questions that some of you can help her with (like having another baby after IC) and I know that all of you will *get* what she's feeling!

Love and blessings, my friends! XOXO

Trademark

2011-02-07T09:16:00.000-05:00

I wish that I could trademark the name Lily (and any spelling variation) so that seeing or hearing her name wouldn't stun me...especially on a Monday morning.

I got an email for a care calendar for one of the moms in my MOPs group. She had a baby girl on Friday and yeah, her name is Lilly. It's a lovely name so I don't blame people for using it...

Ugh. I don't really know this mom so I may just be completely and horribly selfish and not sign up on her care calendar. Or, I just may take a day or two (or three?) to get my act together.

Help me, Lord, to hear her name and only think of seeing her again one day...and, not the missing her so much right now, part...Amen.

He's the boss!

2011-02-06T12:51:00.001-05:00

The sermon at church today was talking about our responsiblity to God once we're saved and it was an awesome message, let me tell you! But, one line really stood out to me and (paraphrasing) our preacher basically said that God is the boss and He's going to will things into our lives that we're not going to agree with and our responsibility is to accept these things as His will in our lives. Hmmm, not an easy one to swallow...

I was really stuck on the "why me, why us and why her" the other day. I told a friend the other day that God doesn't owe me an explanation. I truly believe He does all things for a reason. He is way to wise to allow things to happen that won't serve a greater purpose. I cannot even fathom a thesis as to what Lily's death would serve but my human heart is way to stubborn to even really want to know an answer. Really, what would an answer serve when (God willing) I still have 50+ (60+?) years to still live down on Earth.

Funny thing is, I'm not even mad at God for choosing us for this trial. I'm not even mad at God for the hysterectomy or for Cooper's hypotonia. I don't feel sorry for myself. I pray that I'm make Him proud and that I never gave up faith when I needed to shine it the most.

Funny thing, this grief journey, eh? My prayer is for the peace that only He can give...

A great man~

2011-02-05T19:03:00.000-05:00

I went to the mall today by myself (Cooper and daddy went to a home improvement store to do boy stuff) and walked through the toddler girl department. I allowed myself to gaze and gingerly touch some of the most girlie dresses and thought about my bad day the other day.

My main thought was about how I called my hubby as I drove out of the Chick-fil-a parking lot and was crying as soon as he answered the phone (and, promptly assured him that there was no emergency!) I can't tell you how many times I've made the "I'm just having a missing Lily" moment over the last 30 months because it's countless. Each time, he helps me through the tears and has me smiling again by the end of the conversation. He never says "can I call you back" or "you gotta let this go..." but instead he says "I know, I miss her, too" My hubby is awesome, caring, loving, and compassionate. I am blessed.

I don't think I could've found a better man to be the father of my children. He's a great man...and, like a 70+ year old lady at church told me the other day "a good man is hard to find!"

I love you, honey and thank you! XXXXXXOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXX

There will be days like this~

2011-02-02T13:44:00.000-05:00

Most days I function really well. I live my life and I carry my smile around for the whole world to see. Today was one of those days where I wasn't angry but really just in emotional pain. Helpless is a good word. What can you do when your firstborn is dead? You can't change it.

It started at MOPS when a well meaning fellow mom asked me how I was doing with my pregnancy. Yeah, she got me confused with another mommy. She didn't know that I don't have a uterus. I am barren. But, she did ask me about Lily which is so rare because most people avoid her like the plague. It was nice to talk about her and especially when I know that the person is comfortable with the subject of pregnancy loss. It's crazy to me that in this day and time that people act like pregnancy loss is contagious or that it's too sad to talk about.

Oh, and then there was lunch at Chick-fil-a and the barrage of 2 year old little girls. Ugh. I love all kids but today was one of those days where I could've done without all the cute girlie outfits and hairbows. I swear I would've lost it if I heard that any of these little girls were named Lily. It's one of those days.

Tomorrow will be 3o months without her. Shouldn't this be easier? I mean, you do get on with life and learn to live with the tears that you cry alone but, this still really, really hurts.

To those I love and Those who love me~

2011-01-23T13:23:00.000-05:00

I went to pick up Delilah's ashes the other day from the vet's office (yes, I am one of *those* people that cremate their pets and she is currently in her tin next to Lily's candle) and they gave me a card with a lovely poem attached. I was sobbing as I waited at the red light as I read this poem. I know many of us only spent weeks/months with our babies but I loved the message behind this poem. That their absence is only temporary and that one day we will be reunited again.

To those I love and those who love me

When I am gone, Release me, Let me go~

I have so many things to see and do,

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,

Be thankful for our beautiful years,

I gave to you my love, You can only guess

How much you gave to me in happiness,

I thank you for the love you each have shown,

But now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must,

Then let your grief be comforted by trust.

It's only for a time that we must part,

So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on,

So if you need me, Call, And I will come.

Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near

And if you listen with your Hearts, you'll hear

All my love around you soft and clear,

And, then, when you must come this way alone

I'll greet you with a smile and say:

"Welcome Home"

The vet's office also sent a card to our house with a message from EVERYONE at their office giving words of condolences. It just goes to show you that God does give all of us a calling in life and their card showed me that those special people are exactly where they need to be...even, if it's just for a season because they helped us through a very difficult loss in our family.

I thought the poem was beautiful and I cried for Lily and Delilah as I read it. It's awesome to give love to others and to receive it in return. I have been so blessed to experience love in both directions.

Knowing and letting go

2011-01-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

I've often wondered how I would've done August 2, 2008 differently if I had known that I would lose Lily the very next day. I've thought about it a lot. So, I tried to take that into consideration when I was spending my last day with Delilah. It's a far leap to go from your cat's death to your daughter's death but I learned the hard way that death is irreversible...really, I had never put much thought into death before it impacted my life in the most horrible, tragic way.

On Friday, I spent several minutes at a time just petting her and talking to her. I told her I loved her and how much she was going to be missed. Delilah had to have known that something was up because she had moved down the totem pole since Cooper was born which is something that I'm trying not feel guilty about...Anyway, I started thinking this morning about stuff that I wish I would've done with her before our appointment at the vet yesterday. I wish I had let her lay on the grass in our tiny backyard because she had never really been outside before...

Knowing that death is imminent still doesn't leave you with a sense of fulfillment. There is no way of expressing every emotion or completing every act of love. My final act of love for her was giving her a graceful death.

As a parent, I feel my number 1 job is to teach my children to love God with all their heart, mind and soul. Our final act of love as parents to Lily was to tell her to go to Jesus and that we loved her and that we would see her again because of Jesus's promise to us. So many things to say but there would've never been enough time to tell her or ever be okay with having to let go.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't change anything of August 2, 2008. We lived that day with hearts full of love for her and we continue to live our lives the same way...and, I like coming to this point in this journey.

Goodbye, Delilah~

2011-01-15T13:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Lily,

I've always called Delilah my furry daughter and now she lives with you, my real daughter. She's an awesome cat and I know that you're going to have a lot of fun with her. Here are some inside jokes that you should know in your dealings with her: one of her nicknames is Rap Cat and I actually don't know where that came from...she loves it when you do a "waca waca" sound with it, too. Also, we sing "don't cry for me Argentina, cat!" (you know, kinda a joke from Evita) and we all had great laughs with that. She also never had a real meow so don't be alarmed if she only "meeps" a lot. She's also incredibly lazy and incredibly snuggly.

I told her to be as good a cat to you as she was for us. She's awesome, really...there is nothing bad to say about her. I know you guys will be perfect for each other. I love you both. I miss you both. Take good care of each other until I see you both again.

Love,

Mommy

Delilah

2011-01-14T10:21:00.000-05:00

Delilah is my beloved cat of 6 years that I love very deeply. She was diagnosed with feline leukemia about 5 years ago and has actually done really well, that was until about a month ago. Well, a month ago was when her symptoms became more prominent anyways. She's basically stop eating and drinking recently. We took her to the vet last week and he believes that the leukemia has gone into her liver and intestines. Evidentally, they are both swollen so this is his diagnosis without doing any formal diagnostic test. He's actually shocked that Delilah has lived this long with this diagnosis since apparently she was born with the disease. His orders were to give her whatever she wants and spend a lot of time with her. We've made the grueling decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. My heart hurts and my stomach is in knots.

Delilah and I have been through a lot together. I got her from a flea market (I know!) and she was literally covered in fleas and (I know this gross) worms falling out of her rectum. I washed her every day for weeks and gave her worm medicine. She's been a completely indoor cat and the vet seems to think that this has been what's kept her so healthy until now because she wasn't around other animals and their germs.

Delilah has always been a snuggly one and loves to camp out on your chest. She was there for me several times after Lily died...I would just cry and she would just purr on my chest. There are no words for how much I love her. She's a part of our family and she's one of my dearest friends. Our house just won't be the same.

So, today I will soak up every inch of her furry loveliness and tell her how much she's loved. I will tell her about how cool she is...and, how the world would be so much better if people were half as awesome as she is...

Some of my favorite pics~

Giveaway winner!

2011-01-07T09:46:00.000-05:00

I used a random number generator to come up with my giveaway winner...and, congrats to Melissa! Thanks to everyone that participated :)

Melissa, please email me your address to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com so I can get your calendar mailed out to you!